Trump Toilet Bombshell!

“In our private chat with only Members, several are saying the only way to save our Republic is for Trump to call for Marshall law”— text from Marjorie Taylor-Greene (R-Arkham) to Trump Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, January 17, 2021.

Sources: Washington Post, Deep State.

Updated 08.12.22, with evidence from FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago on 08.08.22

Shortly after midnight on January 18,  Egil “Bud” Krogh was called to the White House to deal with a clogged toilet in the residence. Fearing the worse, he brought three extra pairs of hazmat gloves and his 3M 7000 Full-Face Respirator, designed for  “chemical and biohazard environments.”

In addition to the expected rock-solid yet surprisingly mephitic mass, Krogh discovered what he first thought was a large clump of toilet tissue but which turned out to be a crumpled sheet of White House stationery. 

The wadded document was confiscated by a White House aide present for just such an eventuality, sealed in an evidence bag and sent  to the National Archives and Records Administration. There archivists carefully decontaminated (1), rinsed and dried the paper, which was determined to be on the president’s letterhead but was otherwise illegible.

Using an AI-driven system developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (darpa),  they were able to reconstruct the document, revealed to be notes in President Trump’s handwriting weighing the pros and cons of declaring martial law, as had been urged by Congresswoman Taylor-Greene the previous day.

Trump either decided against or forgot about the plan, and it does not appear he took any of the actions listed, at least to date.

(1) Analysis of the feces showed an extraordinarily high sulfur content well out of the range for a human or any mammal. 

UPDATE: On August 8, 2022, the FBI raided Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence and recovered 11 sets of classified material and presidential records, including one box containing an Admiral’s hat. 

Memo for Care and Feeding of Donald Trump Following His Humiliating Defeat

Source: Three separate disgruntled White House employees.

November 9 Memo from outgoing White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows to:

Chris Liddell, Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy Coordination.

Tony Ornato, Deputy Chief of Staff for Operations.

Dan Scavino, Deputy Chief of Staff for Communications.

Trump Dildo Clearance

Source: Fantasy Island Facebook page, clerk on duty.

On November 7, shortly before Fox News had declared President-elect Joe Biden the victor over President-reject Donald Trump, Trump consigliere Rudy Giuliani held a press conference in the parking lot of Four Seasons Total Landscaping in north Philly, apparently believing he had booked a hotel with a similar name.

The Four Seasons hotel responded awfully quickly.

Joined by woman-manhandler Corey Lewandowski and bribe-aficionado Pam Bondi, the once admired long former mayor of New York was rambling when he was informed by reporters that the networks had called the race for Biden. “All the networks?! Wow!” Mr. Giuliani said sarcastically, sprinkling some truth into the proceedings.

Much of the social media focus was not on what Mr. Giuliani blathered lies about, but on the colorful setting, which included the Delaware Valley Cremation Center across the street, and just next door, Fantasy Island Adult Books.

Fantasy Island, in the throes of a major DILDO MADNESS promotion, sprang into action to take advantage of the publicity windfall, updating their Facebook page to promote an item from Mr. Trump’s long forgotten foray into the adult novelty business.

The store was offering a 50% discount on The Emperor, based on a plaster casting of Trump himself. This was hardly a bargain given the item’s suggested retail price of $10,000.

T-File visited the store to get a look at this rare item only to be told the whole stock had been sold to a Russian collector. However, the teenage clerk behind the counter, who identified himself as Jeremy Blowjob, did direct us to a framed business card on a wall with signed photos of a surprising number of Philly notables.

TBT Films

Source: anonymous American Film Market employee

In 2011, David Bossie, the president of Citizens United, introduced Donald Trump to Steve Bannon, the Hollywood provocateur behind such hits as Indian Runner and  Fire from the Heartland: The Awakening of the Conservative Woman. Mr. Bannon proposed that they team up and run Mr. Trump for the Republican nomination in 2012.

Trump had a better idea: They make him a movie star.

In November 2013, Mr. Bannon and Mr. Trump set up shop at the American Film Market in Santa Monica, pre-selling titles to be be produced by their the TBT (Trump-Banner-Trump) banner. TBT sold the international rights to two films based solely on the posters and Mr. Trump’s fading celebrity from The Apprentice. The films enjoyed varying levels of success.

4th of July  

A serial killer who wears a Statue of Liberty mask has been setting people on fire with his Torch of Hating Freedom, and the only person who can stop him is the billionaire real estate developer, Donald Trump. The script called for the Trump character to unmask the villain (the racist terrorist Osama bin Bama) on top of Mount Rushmore, defeat him with professional wrestling moves and then somehow throw him into the Grand Canyon. Unfortunately, early in the filming, the actor playing bin Bama was shot and killed by an off-duty cop guarding the set. Loss: $18 million

Time Maker

A time-traveling romance in which brilliant billionaire inventor Donald J. Trump travels back to August 1962 in order to bang Marilyn Monroe. But it’s too late. She’s already fat. Naturally he gets caught up with Soviet agents and is forced into a Sophie’s Choice, only harder. Does he prevent Lee Harvey Oswald, a good man, from assassinating John F. Kennedy, knowing it might effect his own tremendous future? Or does he help him get the job done? Shooting was suspended when the Real Doll playing Monroe proved unconvincing, despite several attempts. Loss: $112 million.

Mr. Trump’s Hair Magic

Source: FDA, Interpol

Beginning in the early 2010s, a curious ad began appearing in international magazines devoted to hairstyles and hobbyists.

The advertisement peddled a device, apparently based on first generation 3D printers, which could create a full head of natural-looking hair on a bald or balding male.

The device was never marketed in the United States, and it does not appear that any Hair Magic machines were produced beyond the prototype.