Sources: GQ, In Touch Weekly, The Washington Post, The Daily Beast, The Guardian, and assorted pornography.
WARNING: Very NSFW. Also icky.
In July 2006, Donald Trump attended the American Century Celebrity Golf Championship in Lake Tahoe. All the famous people were there: Dan Quayle, Ray Romano, and other famous people. But one particular luminary caught his eye: Stormy Daniels, star of the award-winning Space Nuts (2003), Porking with Pride 2 (2004), The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005), and about 75 others.
Mr. Trump invited the actress up to his room and “we talked,” Ms. Daniels later recalled. “He asked me a lot of questions about my business. You know, the business I work in and how it works and how it functions. All like technical questions. He was very curious.”
They also had sex in the missionary position and watched Shark Week*.
Mr. Trump’s interest in Ms. Daniels’ profession was more than cursory pre-fornication chit-chat.** As it happened, he has been exploring that space for more than four decades.
As their relationship blossomed into more missionary sex, Mr. Trump asked for Ms. Daniels’ help in getting into adult entertainment. His big idea: Trump-branded adult films for the regular guy, with no crazy positions and no cunnilingus. He had already come up with several titles (Man on Top, Missionary Madness, Man on Top 2: Always on Top , Two Scoops of Vanilla, etc.) and had written some dialogue on napkins (“Take it, bitch,” “Not so small now, OK?”, “Call me Sir,” and “¡Olé!,“) . Ms. Daniels convinced him there wasn’t much call for regular sex porn and she didn’t think they could find performers who could do it convincingly. Unfortunately, Mr. Trump had already started manufacturing a line of tie-in sex toys.
Starting in the spring of 2007, ads for Donald Trump Emperor Brand novelties began appearing in select men’s magazines. (Modesty heads have been added.)
The line suffered endless setbacks. The Emperor’s New Sheath Chinese Silk Reusable Condom was forced to include a black box warning that it did nothing to prevent pregnancy or disease, and could cause Toxic Shock Syndrome. Only one Trump Tower was ever made and the British duke who purchased it complained that it was clearly pre-owned, with later tests finding it was contaminated with a particularly nasty strain of e coli only found in raccoons. Several thousand units of The Emperor were sold but nearly 90 percent were returned when it proved incapable of penetrating even the most accommodating vagina.
There do not appear to be any Emperor ads after 2007. In March 2010, the Trump Emperor LLC declared bankruptcy, claiming no income and listing $18 million in debt owed to various vendors and prostitutes.
* Mr. Trump denies all this, even though Ms. Daniels says she “can definitely describe his junk perfectly.”
UPDATE: In her 2018 memoir Full Disclosure, Ms. Daniels does just that, writing that the president’s penis as “smaller than average… but not freakishly small” before getting quite specific: “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool… I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.”
For the record, Mr. Trump equally denies: sexually assaulting more than 25 women; noncriminally raping his first wife in 1989 because he was upset about a botched scalp reduction to cover his bald spot; briefly raping a journalist in a Bergdorf Goodman dressing room in 1995; and tying a 13-year-old girl to a bed and savagely raping her during a summer sex party at Jeffrey Epstein’s Upper East Side mansion in 1994.
** All that follows is a work of fiction, though it certainly could also be true.