Category: Creepy

Trump Toilet Bombshell!

“In our private chat with only Members, several are saying the only way to save our Republic is for Trump to call for Marshall law”— text from Marjorie Taylor-Greene (R-Arkham) to Trump Chief of Staff Mark Meadows, January 17, 2021.

Sources: Washington Post, Deep State.

Updated 08.12.22, with evidence from FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago on 08.08.22

Shortly after midnight on January 18,  Egil “Bud” Krogh was called to the White House to deal with a clogged toilet in the residence. Fearing the worse, he brought three extra pairs of hazmat gloves and his 3M 7000 Full-Face Respirator, designed for  “chemical and biohazard environments.”

In addition to the expected rock-solid yet surprisingly mephitic mass, Krogh discovered what he first thought was a large clump of toilet tissue but which turned out to be a crumpled sheet of White House stationery. 

The wadded document was confiscated by a White House aide present for just such an eventuality, sealed in an evidence bag and sent  to the National Archives and Records Administration. There archivists carefully decontaminated (1), rinsed and dried the paper, which was determined to be on the president’s letterhead but was otherwise illegible.

Using an AI-driven system developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (darpa),  they were able to reconstruct the document, revealed to be notes in President Trump’s handwriting weighing the pros and cons of declaring martial law, as had been urged by Congresswoman Taylor-Greene the previous day.

Trump either decided against or forgot about the plan, and it does not appear he took any of the actions listed, at least to date.

(1) Analysis of the feces showed an extraordinarily high sulfur content well out of the range for a human or any mammal. 

UPDATE: On August 8, 2022, the FBI raided Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence and recovered 11 sets of classified material and presidential records, including one box containing an Admiral’s hat. 

Trump Dildo Clearance

Source: Fantasy Island Facebook page, clerk on duty.

On November 7, shortly before Fox News had declared President-elect Joe Biden the victor over President-reject Donald Trump, Trump consigliere Rudy Giuliani held a press conference in the parking lot of Four Seasons Total Landscaping in north Philly, apparently believing he had booked a hotel with a similar name.

The Four Seasons hotel responded awfully quickly.

Joined by woman-manhandler Corey Lewandowski and bribe-aficionado Pam Bondi, the once admired long former mayor of New York was rambling when he was informed by reporters that the networks had called the race for Biden. “All the networks?! Wow!” Mr. Giuliani said sarcastically, sprinkling some truth into the proceedings.

Much of the social media focus was not on what Mr. Giuliani blathered lies about, but on the colorful setting, which included the Delaware Valley Cremation Center across the street, and just next door, Fantasy Island Adult Books.

Fantasy Island, in the throes of a major DILDO MADNESS promotion, sprang into action to take advantage of the publicity windfall, updating their Facebook page to promote an item from Mr. Trump’s long forgotten foray into the adult novelty business.

The store was offering a 50% discount on The Emperor, based on a plaster casting of Trump himself. This was hardly a bargain given the item’s suggested retail price of $10,000.

T-File visited the store to get a look at this rare item only to be told the whole stock had been sold to a Russian collector. However, the teenage clerk behind the counter, who identified himself as Jeremy Blowjob, did direct us to a framed business card on a wall with signed photos of a surprising number of Philly notables.

Trump Top Teens Fashion

Source: Women’s Wear Daily*

From “The Donald, Fashionista” by Dolly Haze, Women’s Wear Daily, September 2, 1997

Billionaire Donald Trump, real estate mogul, casino magnate, hotelier,  pageant owner, fight promoter, best selling author, magazine publisher and game maker, has added another hat to his rack: the rag trade.

On Monday, Trump introduced a new line of girl juniors he’s calling Trump’s  Top Teen, inspired by “the most beautiful and hottest girls throughout history,” according to John Miller, communications director for the project. 

At a selectively attended runway show at Trump Tower, Trump debuted four of the looks in his signature line. The event ran long because between each presentation the sole model of the show, his daughter Ivanka, had to change and redo her hair and make-up. 

Miller said the line will eventually expand to “dozens, maybe, they say, maybe thousands of outfits. [Trump] gets ideas all the time. He has gone out with only the most beautiful women, the most successful women — all women love Donald Trump.  So he knows what looks good on a woman, or girl, a lot more than these… well, a lot of fashion men don’t have a lot of experience with women,  or girls, not like [Trump has.]”

As part of the marketting plan, beginning in 1998 the Miss Teen USA pageant, owned by Trump, will include a Top Teen competition with each contestant wearing an original costume representing the aesthetics of the line, which will be wholly owned by the LLC. 

Trump’s Top Teen will be distributed by Trump Best Apparel,  a limited liability corporation based in the Virgin Islands.  Joseph Epstein, the playboy owner of the Financial Trust Company, is a financial partner in the endeavor, but “a silent partner.  Completely silent. He doesn’t know anything about this kind of thing. I mean…. No comment,” said Miller.  Ghislaine Maxwell,  daughter of the media legend Robert Maxwell, will serve as a Senior Vice President , responsible for model procurement and other as yet undefined responsibilities.

Miller said the ready-to-wear line will be available in “all the big stores, Norstrom’s and so many others.”

* A parody

The Nicknaming of Kamala

Source: Undocumented Housekeeper at the Mara-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach, Florida, who was threatened with being reported to ICE if she filed for overtime; Flight Attendant on Air Force One who narrowly escaped a pussy grabbing.

President Donald Trump is well known for the searing playground taunts he sticks to his opponents like he’s rubber and they’re glue, such as calling a female United States Senator and esteemed Harvard Law professor “Pocahontas,” which is pretty funny if you are stupid, or dubbing Haiti and several African nations “shithole countries,” because of all of those Black people in them. But for some reason, he has been unable to come up with a suitable and useable nickname for Vice Presidential Nominee Kamala Harris, finally settling on the not even rhyming “Phony Kamala”.

But not for the lack of trying.

This morning, the T-File received documents from two separate sources detailing Mr. Trump’s increasingly desperate brainstorming sessions, which involved scribbling on an Air Force One notepad and cocktail napkins from the Mar-a-Lago Club, both of which were retrieved from the trash.*

Due to the distressed nature of the documents and Mr. Trump’s nearly illegible handwriting, we have transliterated the text using a proprietary AI.**

SO RUDE

RUDE-ALA KAMALA

KAMALA HARRAS

KAMALA HER ASS

KAMALA HUGE ASS!

RUN BY IVANKA

KAMALIB

KAMALIBBER

KOMRADE KAMILLA

COMMIE KAMALA

COMMIE-LA HARRIS

UNCHRISTIAN KAMALA

CHRISTKILLING

BAD KARMALA

KARMALA CUMEALIAN (sic)

KAMALA LAMA DING DONG

NASTY KAMALA

NA-A-STY KA-A-MA-LA-LA

SHE’S A NASTY B, K?

PLAY BITCH IS BACK

KA-MONSTER HARRIS

KAMALASTEIN!!!

(MONSTER NOT JEW)

MAN-YANA HARRIS

MAN HANDS HARRIS

NEED SOMETHING!

HALF N HALF HARRIS

JAMALA HAJI

NOT RACIST (JOKE)

BLACK N TAN-ALA!!

PLAY BROWN SUGAR

FUCK MICK JAGGER

Also, when it turned out Joe Biden was not so sleepy after all, Mr. Trump brain-dumped a few alternatives.

*And were very obviously Photoshopped.

** Nope. Also, the handwriting is a font called Quid Pro Sans, courtesy of Jones Knowles Ritchie, a creative marketing firm based in London, New York and Shanghai. It’s free.

TBT Films

Source: anonymous American Film Market employee

In 2011, David Bossie, the president of Citizens United, introduced Donald Trump to Steve Bannon, the Hollywood provocateur behind such hits as Indian Runner and  Fire from the Heartland: The Awakening of the Conservative Woman. Mr. Bannon proposed that they team up and run Mr. Trump for the Republican nomination in 2012.

Trump had a better idea: They make him a movie star.

In November 2013, Mr. Bannon and Mr. Trump set up shop at the American Film Market in Santa Monica, pre-selling titles to be be produced by their the TBT (Trump-Banner-Trump) banner. TBT sold the international rights to two films based solely on the posters and Mr. Trump’s fading celebrity from The Apprentice. The films enjoyed varying levels of success.

4th of July  

A serial killer who wears a Statue of Liberty mask has been setting people on fire with his Torch of Hating Freedom, and the only person who can stop him is the billionaire real estate developer, Donald Trump. The script called for the Trump character to unmask the villain (the racist terrorist Osama bin Bama) on top of Mount Rushmore, defeat him with professional wrestling moves and then somehow throw him into the Grand Canyon. Unfortunately, early in the filming, the actor playing bin Bama was shot and killed by an off-duty cop guarding the set. Loss: $18 million

Time Maker

A time-traveling romance in which brilliant billionaire inventor Donald J. Trump travels back to August 1962 in order to bang Marilyn Monroe. But it’s too late. She’s already fat. Naturally he gets caught up with Soviet agents and is forced into a Sophie’s Choice, only harder. Does he prevent Lee Harvey Oswald, a good man, from assassinating John F. Kennedy, knowing it might effect his own tremendous future? Or does he help him get the job done? Shooting was suspended when the Real Doll playing Monroe proved unconvincing, despite several attempts. Loss: $112 million.

Warning Memo

Source: Safe in David Pecker’s office at American Media, Inc.

This memo is circa 1991-92*.

In 1992, a gossip column in New York Newsday called The China Club, then located in the basement of the Beacon Theater at Broadway and 75th street, “Donald’s Monday-night nest.”

UPDATE: On August 14, the Washington Post reported that Donald Trump allegedly molested a young wanna-be model in the China Club in the early Nineties.

Kristin Anderson told the paper that she had been seated on a tufted red velvet couch when she recognized the man to her right. “I mean,” she said, “Nobody else has those eyebrows.” As Ms. Anderson talked with friends, Mr. Trump proceeded to casually snake his hand up her miniskirt and poke her vagina though her underwear.

“It wasn’t a sexual come-on,” she said. “I don’t know why he did it. It was like just to prove that he could do it and nothing would happen. There was zero conversation. We didn’t even really look at each other. It was very random, very nonchalant on his part.”

The accusation came a week after the release of a 2005 Access Hollywood tape, in which Mr. Trump is recorded telling host Billy Bush off camera, “when you’re a star, they let you do it, you can do anything … grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.”

“Mr. Trump strongly denies this phony allegation by someone looking to get some free publicity,” Trump spokeswoman Hope Hicks told the Post. “It is totally ridiculous.”

SECOND UPDATE: On October 22, Mr. Trump claimed that the ten women who had come forward accusing him of sexual impropriety were making it up to hurt his campaign. “All of these liars will be sued after the election is over.”

He further speculated, “It was probably the (Democratic National Committee) and Hillary’s campaign who put forward these liars with their fabricated stories. But we’ll probably find out later through litigation, which we’re so looking forward to.”

THIRD UPDATE: In a cover story in New York magazine in June 2019, writer E. Jean Carroll accused Mr. Trump of raping her in a Bergdorf Goodman dressing room in 1995 or early 1996.

FOURTH UPDATE: On June 27, Mr. Trump told the political website The Hill that Ms. Carroll was “totally lying.” He explained that he could not have raped her. “She’s not my type,” he said, “OK?”

UPDATE TO SECOND UPDATE: As of April 27, 2022, Mr. Trump has not sued any of the more than two dozen women who have accused him of sexually assaulting them.

  • The memo is fake. The rest is real.

Classy Sex Toys

Sources: GQ, In Touch Weekly, The Washington Post, The Daily Beast, The Guardian, and assorted pornography.

WARNING: Very NSFW. Also icky.

In July 2006, Donald Trump attended the American Century Celebrity Golf Championship in Lake Tahoe. All the famous people were there: Dan Quayle, Ray Romano, and other famous people. But one particular luminary caught his eye: Stormy Daniels, star of the award-winning Space Nuts (2003), Porking with Pride 2 (2004), The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005), and about 75 others.

Mr. Trump invited the actress up to his room and “we talked,” Ms. Daniels later recalled. “He asked me a lot of questions about my business. You know, the business I work in and how it works and how it functions. All like technical questions. He was very curious.”

They also had sex in the missionary position and watched Shark Week*.

Mr. Trump’s interest in Ms. Daniels’ profession was more than cursory pre-fornication chit-chat.** As it happened, he has been exploring that space for more than four decades.

Mr. Trump in the New York Military Academy’s 1964 yearbook, with potential victim.

As their relationship blossomed into more missionary sex, Mr. Trump asked for Ms. Daniels’ help in getting into adult entertainment. His big idea: Trump-branded adult films for the regular guy, with no crazy positions and no cunnilingus. He had already come up with several titles (Man on Top, Missionary Madness, Man on Top 2: Always on Top , Two Scoops of Vanilla, etc.) and had written some dialogue on napkins (“Take it, bitch,” “Not so small now, OK?”, “Call me Sir,” and “¡Olé!,“) . Ms. Daniels convinced him there wasn’t much call for regular sex porn and she didn’t think they could find performers who could do it convincingly. Unfortunately, Mr. Trump had already started manufacturing a line of tie-in sex toys.

Starting in the spring of 2007, ads for Donald Trump Emperor Brand novelties began appearing in select men’s magazines. (Modesty heads have been added.)

Clockwise from left: Hustler’s Barely Legal (March 2007), featuring a “Dominique ‘Lolita’ Nip Slip;” Celebrity Skin: Sexy School Girls (October 2007); Swank (November 2007), featuring a “Teenage *** Queen;” and High Society (November 2007), featuring Ms. Daniels on the cover.
Barely Legal spread
Detail of Ad

The line suffered endless setbacks. The Emperor’s New Sheath Chinese Silk Reusable Condom was forced to include a black box warning that it did nothing to prevent pregnancy or disease, and could cause Toxic Shock Syndrome. Only one Trump Tower was ever made and the British duke who purchased it complained that it was clearly pre-owned, with later tests finding it was contaminated with a particularly nasty strain of e coli only found in raccoons. Several thousand units of The Emperor were sold but nearly 90 percent were returned when it proved incapable of penetrating even the most accommodating vagina.

There do not appear to be any Emperor ads after 2007. In March 2010, the Trump Emperor LLC declared bankruptcy, claiming no income and listing $18 million in debt owed to various vendors and prostitutes.

* Mr. Trump denies all this, even though Ms. Daniels says she “can definitely describe his junk perfectly.”

UPDATE: In her 2018 memoir Full Disclosure, Ms. Daniels does just that, writing that the president’s penis as “smaller than average… but not freakishly small” before getting quite specific: “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool… I lay there, annoyed that I was getting fucked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a dick like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.”

For the record, Mr. Trump equally denies: sexually assaulting more than 25 women; noncriminally raping his first wife in 1989 because he was upset about a botched scalp reduction to cover his bald spot; briefly raping a journalist in a Bergdorf Goodman dressing room in 1995; and tying a 13-year-old girl to a bed and savagely raping her during a summer sex party at Jeffrey Epstein’s Upper East Side mansion in 1994.

** All that follows is a work of fiction, though it certainly could also be true.